Closer to God, finding myslef, sexual abuse

Sadness…I’m Addicted!

I am addicted to sadness. That may sound like a weird statement to some, “why would anyone choose to be sad?” Growing up, I had an older sister who we referred to her as, “not being happy unless she was miserable.” But, I am addicted to sadness.

It really goes back to how I learned to cope with my emotions and get attention as a child and it has followed me into adulthood. The sad thing is I have to put a great deal of effort into being sad, but being sad, in a messed up sort of way is a comfort to me, a consistent that has always been with me. Same with depression and anxiety. I don’t really remember a time in my life when I wasn’t one or both of them.

The idea of being happy, being a go with the flow kind of girl, sounds wonderful, on so many levels. However at the same time when I have the choice to be happy, it scares me. It’s uncomfortable, I feel out of place. I don’t know what to do with that feeling or how to act. Often when things are good and I really have no reason to be sad, there is this constente reminder like a broken record in my mind that says, “if I let my guard down and I allow myself to be happy something bad is going to happen anyway and I might as well just be sad anyways.”

This is a sad way to live. A sad state to always be in not to mention exhausting psychically and emotionally. I think of the others who have to deal with me and this continued sadness I surrounded myself with. I know it is rough for them as well as me. Oh, how I wish I could sit here and tell you, “No more. No more being sad, I am over it!” But, it takes work. It’s easy to slip back into what I am accustomed to, just out of habit.

I have come to a new season in my life and I really, whole heartedly, need to admitted to myself that I am addicted to sadness and confront the erge to resist staying sad, but instead become the happy, creative and loving women God created me to be. I am a fun girl when I am relax and don’t make the worst of whatever is going on. I want to have more of a let go and let flow kind of attitude.

My pastor has recently given a series of sermons over the last 6 weeks or so about “Breaking Bad Habits,” that has made me reflect on mind and why I do, what I do, when I do it. Not going to lie, it hasn’t been the easiest thing to walk through but not the hardest either. My pastors intention when giving these sermons was not to make us feel bad about ourselves, but to help us. He started with a sermon centered around the ideology of change your life when you change your mind. That is really what it comes down to, my mind. Satan has always known how to attack me, with my mind and insecurities.

I was on somewhat of a upswing in life and he started to send the usual my way but I was, with the strength and love of God, able to power through it. He couldn’t bring me down, so now he is trying to ware me out. But God and I are putting up a fight.

The question is, why? What happened to me that I am the way I am? Yes, the abuse, but there is more to it then that. I don’t want to stay the way I am and continue to use my past as an excuse or play the victim. It’s time to adult. It’s time to continue to grow in Christ.

Advertisements
Uncategorized

Silent Treament, Not Gonna Work!

I sometimes wonder what it is about me that people think they can’t tell when I did something wrong or have upset them. I do realize that I am an intense person most of the times, especially of late. It seems that I really have been in a down ward spiral in the past few years and it has been out of control this last 14-18 months. I am having so much trouble pulling myself out of it.

I have this roommate, who at times is my best friend, depending on her mood and if I exists. I know I was taking a chance moving in with her and that these sorts of things were going to happen. It seems as though the harder I try to keep us close the more she pulls away. Living with her in the sense that I never know what to expect when I walk into the house is a lot like that of when I was a child living with my mom.

It’s hard not even being acknowledge when I walk into a room or say hi. It makes me doubt myself as a descent human being. I know I’m not perfect and that I make mistakes and not always easy to get along with. But what kind of relationship is this if we can’t be honest with each other about anything. I hate trying to guess what is wrong but I am to scared at the same time to ask or stand up for myself.

I do love her but at times I feel as though this relationship no longer serves either of us in a positive way. This is how it has been from the beginning. We hit it off and then I wouldn’t hear from her for months and then out of the blue I would get a call and she would act like nothing was wrong and we would pick up right where left off. The worse part is I am so desperate for friend and support that I just go along with it. I have been living with her for about 2 years now and last year so was so upset with me that she deleted me off Facebook, like I wouldn’t noticed.

It’s so frustrating and hurtful. I keep asking myself why do I insist on going after these relationships with people men and women that seem to me like an uphill battle all the time? I seem to push away people that have interest in me and fight for those who don’t.

I really need to reevaluate my life choices.

Uncategorized

Mr. Fantastic he’s not or…

This has been bottled up inside me for a while. My friends are tired of hearing about and can’t seem to let him go.

So about a year I started this new job. I’m working nights and after only a couple weeks I fell for the afternoon supervisor. I never did anything about it.

After position at work changed he was no longer my supervisor and he started to flirt a little. But it caught me so off guard that he didn’t get the response I wanted him to have. He backed off soon after that. I tried to let him no I was interested by asking him to the movies. He said yes but as friends but “yes I’ll go,” were his words.

The few days at work after the movies were great between us. He even gave me a nickname “Minnie Mouse.” I’ll tell you how that came about later. But then something changed overnight it’s like I didn’t exist anymore. But then I did again after a while and then I didn’t. There was and still is a lot of back and forth with him.

Finally, after months of this I mustered up enough nerve and asked him if he wanted to get to know each other. And then he delivered a well-prepared speech of rejection. I gotta say as rejections go he was very kind. He told me we were good, good friends and he enjoyed working with me, I am as sweet as they come, but it’s better if we don’t’ besides “I don’t have time,” was how he ended it. I thought I was okay with it and at first I was then the following Monday came around and I tried to stay away from him as much as I could. Towards the end of the night I finished printing some stuff for a co-worker that needed to be cut down and he is the one that does that. The thing is that it didn’t need to be done that night it could have waited till the next day. I was told that night as I was walking out of work that when he was made aware of it needing to be cut the next day that he made a big deal about coming to get it and doing it that night. When he came in to get the roll of wall covering I tried my best to be kind and mature about the situation and I thought I handled myself well.

When I found out that he jumped at the chance to come into my department later, it upset me. Then my co-worker made a comment about if he realized how insulating it was to make the comment that he “didn’t have time.” I guess I didn’t realize at the time that it was hurtful thing to say. It got me to thinking about the way he has and still treating me. And it hurts. The next day, Tuesday, I was upset I had gotten some news about my grandmother the night before, that she wasn’t well. I was just beside myself the next day at work and I couldn’t shake it off. Anyone could tell by the look on my face that I was upset. He caught me in the break room first thing and noticed. He asked me if I was okay and I said yes and started to walk away and he followed me out of the room, kind of like a lost puppy, asking again if I was okay? I again said yes and went to my department to get the day started.

Not long, maybe 10 minutes, he came into my department and at first started to look around for something and came up to me asking again if I was okay? I then told him that I was just upset about my grandmother and that I would be okay. He said he was sorry to here that and that I would be in his thoughts.

Believe me when I say that since he rejected me he has asked me if “I’m okay” more then he has in the last year that he has known me. I gotta say it is quite frustrating. If he says that he doesn’t have time to get to know me then what is his deal? I feel as though it’s not fair that he gets to pick and choose when I exist and when I don’t. It’s like I’m not here to entertain him when it’s convenient for him. I feel like a doormat at times with him. And it really hurts. I don’t get this whole situation at all.

It’s hard because it’s not like I can get away from him with us working together. He’s there all the time. Just looking at him starts to bring up the feelings I have for him. When I am away from him I think that I can get past my feelings for him but the second I lay eyes on him and he smiles they all come back and I HATE IT!

I have been in therapy on and off since I turned 18. The therapist that I see now has told me that I need to ask him to give me my space in a personal sense. I have really considered it but every time I go to do it I chicken out and think to myself that I don’t have the right to ask him that. I don’t want to hurt him but I myself am tired of hurting.