I am addicted to sadness. That may sound like a weird statement to some, “why would anyone choose to be sad?” Growing up, I had an older sister who we referred to her as, “not being happy unless she was miserable.” But, I am addicted to sadness.
It really goes back to how I learned to cope with my emotions and get attention as a child and it has followed me into adulthood. The sad thing is I have to put a great deal of effort into being sad, but being sad, in a messed up sort of way is a comfort to me, a consistent that has always been with me. Same with depression and anxiety. I don’t really remember a time in my life when I wasn’t one or both of them.
The idea of being happy, being a go with the flow kind of girl, sounds wonderful, on so many levels. However at the same time when I have the choice to be happy, it scares me. It’s uncomfortable, I feel out of place. I don’t know what to do with that feeling or how to act. Often when things are good and I really have no reason to be sad, there is this constente reminder like a broken record in my mind that says, “if I let my guard down and I allow myself to be happy something bad is going to happen anyway and I might as well just be sad anyways.”
This is a sad way to live. A sad state to always be in not to mention exhausting psychically and emotionally. I think of the others who have to deal with me and this continued sadness I surrounded myself with. I know it is rough for them as well as me. Oh, how I wish I could sit here and tell you, “No more. No more being sad, I am over it!” But, it takes work. It’s easy to slip back into what I am accustomed to, just out of habit.
I have come to a new season in my life and I really, whole heartedly, need to admitted to myself that I am addicted to sadness and confront the erge to resist staying sad, but instead become the happy, creative and loving women God created me to be. I am a fun girl when I am relax and don’t make the worst of whatever is going on. I want to have more of a let go and let flow kind of attitude.
My pastor has recently given a series of sermons over the last 6 weeks or so about “Breaking Bad Habits,” that has made me reflect on mind and why I do, what I do, when I do it. Not going to lie, it hasn’t been the easiest thing to walk through but not the hardest either. My pastors intention when giving these sermons was not to make us feel bad about ourselves, but to help us. He started with a sermon centered around the ideology of change your life when you change your mind. That is really what it comes down to, my mind. Satan has always known how to attack me, with my mind and insecurities.
I was on somewhat of a upswing in life and he started to send the usual my way but I was, with the strength and love of God, able to power through it. He couldn’t bring me down, so now he is trying to ware me out. But God and I are putting up a fight.
The question is, why? What happened to me that I am the way I am? Yes, the abuse, but there is more to it then that. I don’t want to stay the way I am and continue to use my past as an excuse or play the victim. It’s time to adult. It’s time to continue to grow in Christ.