Back and Forth I Go…

I realize it has been months since I have posted anything.  I get so caught up in life that sometimes I forget to live.  Back and forth, up and down that is the story of my life.  I have always been an emotional and sensitive person my whole life.  It is an exhausting way to live believe me.  I have been in and out of therapy and on and off medications most of my life.  It’s never really gotten far except.  I am a hot mess in every sense of the word.  I really do hate it.

These past few years have been what seems like the worse it has ever been.  Family, work, losing someone I loved like a mother, having surgery and losing mass about of weight and I think falling in love with someone who in the end couldn’t be a man to me.  The last one is hard to admit.  It makes me cry a little.

Let’s take a step back.  We have talked about how my family want’s nothing to do with me.  I have grown a lot in regards to how they choose to treat me.  I don’t carry guilt around about it like I use to. Also, I don’t carry the anger.  It is so freeing not to have to have that on my head.  I love them all from a distance.  I try to show them all love and honor, mostly by not talking negatively about them at all.  Sometimes it works.

I lost a dear friend of mine, had surgery and started a new job, not the job I wanted but a job. The weight lose went great.  Physically I felt great, I looked good too, everyday was a change.  I am finally started to look at myself in the mirror and see me and be okay with it.

The hardest thing I have had to deal with of late is attention from men and what I should do with it.  The flirting (or at least I think it is, I never really know) the subtle comments, the some of them look at me.  When they come right out and tell me I’m sexy.  I don’t like it most times I feel dirty when they do.  It’s not really fair.  I told you about the supervisor that I fell for.  All the details.  I can’t seem to move on from him.  I wake up in the morning thinking about and through out the day into night and then it starts all over again.

Is it possible to meet someone, only get to know a little about them and just know this is the person for you?  All I ever got from him was mixed message.  He would go out of his way to do things for me.  He gave me more attention then one supervisor should give one person.  I don’t think I am wrong when I say that the reason they removed him from that position was because of the attention he was giving me.  It didn’t stop after he was no longer the supervisor either.  That’s when he started saying things to me and I got excited and I felt good about it.  It wasn’t like the other. He never came out and told me I was sexy the most was “cute.”

Can someone be that dense?  He knew I had feeling for him when I asked him out.  Why did he say yes?  He knew.  It change the first time so fast I didn’t know what hit me.  Then he came back and then left and back again.  He flat out told me no, but after a while his actions didn’t stick to his words.  I eventually ended up quitting that job. I got a job in the field I went to school for.  It’s so nice to get to design everyday.

About a month before I quit he started again.  He spent about a half hour of work and this air hose wand trying to fix it when it was not necessary.  There was another one up against the wall that was working I could of used.  But he insisted on spending all this time fixing it.  While he was working on it we were talking and he said that he likes to fix things.  I told him I like to create things.  Then I told him that I had broken my utility knife.  He asked me if I needed a better one.  Told him no that I took one that was lying around the shop. He then pulled out a Craftsman jack knife utility knife and gave it to me.  He quickly told me “not to ask him why he had 2 on him.”  And then walked away from me.  I went into the office that was emptied and cried a little.  I was so confused.  It was almost at the end of our shift at this point.

On my way home I decided I need to talk to him about this that is was confusing and hurting me. I had deleted his number a while ago so I called a co-worker and asked her for it.  She thought that I had car problems or something, I let her think that.  I decided not to ext him but instead talk face to face.  I was late to work the next day because of a doctors appointment.  He came into the my part of the shop and said to me, “I heard you were looking for me?” I told him that I wanted to talk to him.  He didn’t he me right and thought that I had said that I needed to talk to someone last night and the way he said it was like he felt touched that I was going to go to him.

Well, I told him that the things that he has been saying and doing over the past few weeks were confusing to me.  He told me that he was just being nice.  He then said, “Now, look there is someone out there for you and it’s not me.”  I told him that he was hurting me.  He offered to give me personal space.  That lasted about 2-3 days and he started again.

Not long after that I quit.  I had, had that new job for a while and couldn’t work both jobs anymore.  And the shop job was just too much physical and emotionally for me to do anymore.  I kind of throw my boss and the a couple people under the bus one night and didn’t go back.  I knew that night I wasn’t going to come back but I gave it the weekend but didn’t change my mind.  I had told a couple people at work that night that I had gotten a new job and more then likely wouldn’t be back on Monday. I tried to tell him a couple times but chickened out. I friend of mine there told him for me.  It didn’t take long for him to come into that walking rather fast to talk to me.

I guess we left it on good terms, he told me he had enjoyed working with me and that I deserved better. I felt as though he wanted to say more he kept trying to step away and then came back and stepped away and back.  But never said anything.  I really expected to here from him after but I never did.  It’s hurts, it really hurts.  I really care for this man.  How much of a fool am I?  I just want the pain to go away…


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