I realize that I started my last post talking about PTSD and then went off on a tangent about things that have been bottled up inside for a while. When I said I am taking things into my own hands I meant that I am trying to understand why I react to certain things in certain ways. I purchased a workbook about PTSD and have started to read it and answer the questions that are asked. Not gonna lie, it’s not easy.
While going through just the first 20 or so pages, I have come to realize that at one point I was on some level starting to heal. Then something changed and it’s like I am back at the age of 10 with all this anxiety and depression. I’m not exactly sure what triggered this change in my personality in the last year and a half but I am truly going through a change of season in my life.
There are three big things that have happened that my have impacted me. One, stemming from the abuse as a child I really worked hard at keeping guys and the attention from guys away from me to the point that I unconsciously put on a lot of weight and then worked at putting on more weight to the point that I was almost 400 pounds. So the situation with health insurance and other things I was able to have gastric sleeve surgery. Now I am down to 185 pounds and am getting attention from men. I look good, like the person I was meant to be. However, there are times I look in the mirror and don’t really recognize myself.
Before, the surgery on Christmas Day of 2014 the lady I had been taking care of for almost 5 years, died. She was like a mother to me in a lot of ways. Her daughter was and still is like a sister to me. It hit me hard, not at first it took couple months but it hurt, sometimes still does. I saw Mary, the daughter, missing her mother so much and would do anything to see her mother again, but mine, she wants nothing to do with me.
The third thing that happened is I started a new job and fell for my supervisor, I told you about him before. I think the combination of the three sent me into a down ward spiral.
I recently came to the realization that I am playing the victim and that I don’t want to anymore. I want to hold myself accountable for my life and go after what I want. Not just sit back and hope thing turn out the way I want without taking an active role in my life.