Thieves Don’t Rob Empty Vaults

Are you familiar with the expression “thieves don’t rob empty vaults?” It’s so true, what would be the point of a thief to break into a bank vault to rob if he knew it was empty. He wouldn’t waste his time, right? So think of it this way, when you feel as though you are being attacked by Satan, please realize, there is a reason that he is doing. Satan knows that God has put and see’s good in you, a good in you to glorify His name that Satan want’s to steal it for himself.

There is positive in such attacks from Satan. Think about it for a second. It my not feel or look that way, but Satan’s one goal in life is to pull as many people away from God. You may be thinking to yourself, “how can we imperfect human’s fight a force as powerful as Satan?” Point blank, you can’t! Not on your own anyway, but you can when you put your life, your heart, your salvation in God’s hands.

I encourage you to read the scripture Isaiah 54:17, it says, “no weapon formed against you shall prosper.” It doesn’t say that we won’t be attacked but that when we are attacked God will protect us. We are his children and He only want’s the best for us, after all He died for us before we where even born.

So don’t let situations, unfair treatment from others or anything else keep you knocked down from glorifying God. Take it as a compliment from Santa that you are so special he sees you as a threat, a bank vault full money if you will, that he needs to empty out. Take it as a compliment and then take it to God in prayer and praise. Ask for the strength and grace to fight the right way and continue to glorify God.


Get it Through Your Head Girl!

My last post I talked about being worthy and how those feelings of not feeling worthy are still creeping up at times. I know why, this is go time for me right now. Things in my life are changing and I have some opportunities to take it to the level of leadership in my job and at church that I truly want. Me, being the person that I am has a tendency to quite when the going gets tough. I don’t want to be that person any more. I want what is in front of me so bad right now I can taste it and oh how I want it so bad.

My church I am a member of is on the smaller side. In the 3 years that I have been attending we have almost doubled in membership and we are continuing to grow. My pastors are not people that think small on any level. It was foretold towards the beginning of their 20 year marriage to each other that they would be pastoring a large church. They have big plans and it is starting to take place. They are preparing the leaders, me included, for growth and building our teams. Easter is coming up in less then a month and there are some big changes they both want done beforehand and I am being asked to perform in some big ways. They want to redesign the stage and add some design elements around the church around the church mostly asking for greater communication in terms of welcoming visitors, updating the website and general communication and design that will take some time to set up and execute.

There are also major things happening at my job that if I can make it through and prove I can handle it all, will be a major payoff as well, as in I will for the first time in my life have the career with an impressive job title, responsibility and the pay to go along with it all. I so want it all. Can I handle it? Sometimes I doubt myself, only for a moment or two, but the doubts are still there. They creep up and I breakdown for a moment. The great things is, I only break for a minute or two, then calm myself and it all seems possible to be the person I was told so often as a child that I would never be.

Am I Worthy?

Growing up as a child of abuse I always felt shame and guilt that was unexplainable, but what has carried with me into adulthood is a feeling of not being truly worthy of anything. Something it’s as simple as a, “you look nice” or “you did a good job on that.” It’s a feeling that I’ve carrying deep down inside. My life is so much better then it has ever been. I have come to a point of more inter peace about my past, who I am as a person and my relationship with God is at a level that I never knew was possible.

I have always wanted to be a women the is self sufficient, able to take care of herself, who has a great career, who is loved and able to give love. Lately, I have been given more and more responsibility within the church I attend and the potential to take on even more responsibility at work. Lately, I have been contemplating my readiness of all these new possibilities and if I’am prepared.

While questioning my abilities and preparing for this turn of events I have also started to question if I am worthy and have began to doubt myself. I feel as though I am once again slipping into a self-sabotaging thought pattern. I am being given great opportunities and all these feelings and thoughts are starting to come back. I am going back to the way of thinking that is comfortable for me. The positive side of it all is I am able to recognize it before it gets out of hand. The trick my friends is not staying in this thought process but figuring out how to get pass it and continue to build on the foundation I have worked so hard to lay.

Once again, I have readjusted my thinking and have not been so quick to over react and to run to someone, anyone who might listen and baby me with the “poor you” pep talk of sorts. What I do instead is take it to God, I am not the best at it all the time but I am continuing to improve and reach out more and more each day. It’s the little prayers of, “Jesus, help me please,” that have helped so much in regards of not slipping back into my old ways of surviving.

Being saved, doesn’t mean that all the hurt and pain from your past will miraculously go away and that your life will be all sunshine and rainbows from here on out, it does mean, there is a force, if you will, on your side and in your heart that has your back on a level that is indescribable.

My friends, especially those of you who have suffered in the way I have, give it to God and don’t take it back but on those days that you find you take it away from Him, don’t beat yourself up, once again give it back to Him and continue too until the day comes that you only bring out and talk about it to help those how need to here the power that God has to heal us all.

Am I worthy? YES!

Oh, How I Overthink

Do you ever get so stuck in your thoughts to where they just consume you? Things that happened long ago or that have yet to happen, well really will never happen? I have always been one of those people that has lived more in her head then one who has ever lived in real life. It’s a sad way to go through life. But it was safe for me to do that. The places I’ve gone, the people I’ve met, the things I’ve done are things only heard of in the movies, but it is all in my head.

I know God has a plan for me, blessings in store for me beyond anything I can image. Being a person that has lived in her head and survived life by only going through the motions of existing. It has been hard for me to brake away from this way of life, well honestly I have yet to stop. In a way I am like a school age child that daydreams in class of playing dress up in her mind.

See the thing is, I really have this habit of thinking myself in to a bad mood, like all the time. I come up with scenarios that will never happen and I get myself all upset. The night time when I am alone is the worse. I am so lonely and, let face it, desperate for companionship that I dream of what it would be like to have a man in my life. This is embarrassing to admit for me, because it doesn’t seem normal. Well, normal for normal people, but a way of life that I have come accustomed too.

I’m not sure how to get past this one, like I said, it’s my safe place until those moments of reality set in and I get depressed and even more lonely. It’s such a habit for me and I want to stop doing it.

All a Little Broken

On some level all of us are damaged or broken inside to one degree or another, but that’s ok. Have any of you dealt with the broken record way of thinking? This recording that plays in our head saying, “your damaged, your not liked, people don’t listen to you.” It might be a different recording for all of us, but we all have insecurities or thoughts that can effect us, if we let it.

Depression and anxiety have been a constant in my life and that broken record that plays in my head is one that repeats “you are crazy.” Sunday, I woke up to get ready for church and even before I started my day, the anxiety set in. It was like this steady climb that knocked me down before church even started. It was so bad I wasn’t even able to carry out my duty’s for service that morning. I ended up in a room in the back of the church with my head in my hands crying my eyes out. Sometimes for no reason, that I can pin point these attacks come on so fast and so bad. Sunday was one of those days.

It really throw me for a loop because the day before was a good day. I have been having nightmares lately that I can’t remember when I wake up what they were about. All I can tell you is I wake up in the middle of the night drenched in sweat so scared. I wonder to myself is something trying to come up and I am not allowing it? Or is this just another distraction?

By the grace of God, someone was there to help me through it, as she often is. She is my mother of Joy. The first thing she said when she walked in the room was, “lift your head up child.” She spent some time to talk to me and helped me through the broken record and the way I was feeling. She told me to not pay much attention to those records, not to fight them or argue with them. But rather agree with them but then do what I need to do. I came to realize that igniting these broken records are like arguing with a 10 year old or my own 10 year old self. Don’t fight these thoughts agree, move on and do what you know you need too, because it’s a argument you can’t win.

That line of thinking was a fresh approach to get me back on track once again. We will all be attacked in one way or another in our lives. It hurts, yes! Satan can’t take me down so he’s trying his best to ware me out. I’m determined not stop at this point and let him win. God has not got me this far to let me stop now.

Like I said we have all been faced with different trials in life. It’s not my place or even desire to sit here and say that people that have been abused have it the worst. That’s not the point, this kind of pain, I know and understand and want to continue this journey to the end with my head held high and project gracefulness while doing it. That is my goal my friends, to be graceful.

Sadness…I’m Addicted!

I am addicted to sadness. That may sound like a weird statement to some, “why would anyone choose to be sad?” Growing up, I had an older sister who we referred to her as, “not being happy unless she was miserable.” But, I am addicted to sadness.

It really goes back to how I learned to cope with my emotions and get attention as a child and it has followed me into adulthood. The sad thing is I have to put a great deal of effort into being sad, but being sad, in a messed up sort of way is a comfort to me, a consistent that has always been with me. Same with depression and anxiety. I don’t really remember a time in my life when I wasn’t one or both of them.

The idea of being happy, being a go with the flow kind of girl, sounds wonderful, on so many levels. However at the same time when I have the choice to be happy, it scares me. It’s uncomfortable, I feel out of place. I don’t know what to do with that feeling or how to act. Often when things are good and I really have no reason to be sad, there is this constente reminder like a broken record in my mind that says, “if I let my guard down and I allow myself to be happy something bad is going to happen anyway and I might as well just be sad anyways.”

This is a sad way to live. A sad state to always be in not to mention exhausting psychically and emotionally. I think of the others who have to deal with me and this continued sadness I surrounded myself with. I know it is rough for them as well as me. Oh, how I wish I could sit here and tell you, “No more. No more being sad, I am over it!” But, it takes work. It’s easy to slip back into what I am accustomed to, just out of habit.

I have come to a new season in my life and I really, whole heartedly, need to admitted to myself that I am addicted to sadness and confront the erge to resist staying sad, but instead become the happy, creative and loving women God created me to be. I am a fun girl when I am relax and don’t make the worst of whatever is going on. I want to have more of a let go and let flow kind of attitude.

My pastor has recently given a series of sermons over the last 6 weeks or so about “Breaking Bad Habits,” that has made me reflect on mind and why I do, what I do, when I do it. Not going to lie, it hasn’t been the easiest thing to walk through but not the hardest either. My pastors intention when giving these sermons was not to make us feel bad about ourselves, but to help us. He started with a sermon centered around the ideology of change your life when you change your mind. That is really what it comes down to, my mind. Satan has always known how to attack me, with my mind and insecurities.

I was on somewhat of a upswing in life and he started to send the usual my way but I was, with the strength and love of God, able to power through it. He couldn’t bring me down, so now he is trying to ware me out. But God and I are putting up a fight.

The question is, why? What happened to me that I am the way I am? Yes, the abuse, but there is more to it then that. I don’t want to stay the way I am and continue to use my past as an excuse or play the victim. It’s time to adult. It’s time to continue to grow in Christ.

Let’s Try this Again…

It’s been 8 or so months since I have posted anything. I quickly got out of the habit and got stuck in the surviving way of living again. Just going through the motions, not really living. My life has taken a new road over the past year or so. Things are on an up swing. Slow but an up swing nonetheless. I have a good life when I don’t overthink or allow myself to be overly emotional.

I had hit a rough spot there for a minute and while I was trying to pull myself up, I asked God to allow me to be a blessing to someone. Then I realized that there are many ways and forms of encouraging others with what I have or am waking through and I remembered this blog and my purpose for it.

So once again, I want to put things out there, mostly good, in the hopes that people who have gone through what I have, can realize, see, believe, that good can come out of it all.

One major moment happened a few weeks ago that at the time seemed small that I would like to share. I have shared with you before that I was abused sexually as a child. When one goes through something like that you really only have two choices , in my opinion, you can let it make you or break you. For the longest time, I unfortunately was letting it break me.

As of now, with my financial circumstances am required to hold two jobs. I have a full time design job and a part time retail job. I had stopped into my part time job one day and the shift supervisor asked me to come in and work for a few hours because she was having a problem with a co-worker. During the conversation she confided in me that she suffers from anxiety and didn’t want to be on medication to coup with it. I told her that I understood because I as well suffered from anxiety and also chose not to take medication.

She asked me what I did so I wouldn’t have to take medication. I simply told her “I gave it to God.” She looks at me for a second and then she once again confided in me more of her story. She told me that she as well had been sexually abuse as a child. Oh, how my heart hurt for her. I continued to listen to more of her story as she told me what she had been through and what she was going through now. After I listened for a while she once again asked, “how do you get over it, how do you deal with it, how do you move past it?” I repeated myself, “I gave it to God and I continually give it to God.” And then without even giving it a second thought I shared with her some of my story and how I had been abused.

I was proud of myself in a sense, because it was the first time that I had told my story to a complete and total stranger that I have been abused. I was proud of myself because while I was telling this stranger what happened to me, and the shame and guilt that I carried around for so many years, I didn’t cry. Didn’t have any shame about it. I started to tell her a little bit about my journey with God and how meeting my pastor changed my life, but of course I didn’t know it at the time. I told her how I was so turned off by religion and religious leaders and I really had no interest in God. And then I told her more about my journey and the change within me when I started go to church and listen and actively try to change myself on the inside. I made it clear to her that there is still work within me to be done but that I had made so many positive changes over the past few years because I was able to get to know God and who He really is and in a way I never knew was possible.

I told her how I was always depressed and anxious and withdrawn from life and people. Just going through the motions of living, stuck in a rut, not really living. And how I was a totally different person today than I was a few years ago. And that if she could put her trust in God even a little bit that in time she wouldn’t have to carry that weight that she continues to now.

When I finish speaking she had this look on her face for moment, this look of relief. That brief moment of relief on her face somehow helped me heal inside a little.

I have a voice, God has given me a voice, at times I resist using that voice, but I shouldn’t. See, I’m naturally very quiet, don’t speak up, speak unnecessarily and that’s OK. But, when I choose not to use the voice that God has given me, that’s unfortunate, for me and others. The weeks following it seemed like I was being attacked by Satan and I allowed him too quiet that voice God gave me.

I don’t know what God has planned for me and on some level I find that exciting. It’s hard to let go of control as an adult when you never had safety as a child. So once again, I come to a crossroads in my life, and ask myself, “is it going to break me or make me?”