It’s been 8 or so months since I have posted anything. I quickly got out of the habit and got stuck in the surviving way of living again. Just going through the motions, not really living. My life has taken a new road over the past year or so. Things are on an up swing. Slow but an up swing nonetheless. I have a good life when I don’t overthink or allow myself to be overly emotional.
I had hit a rough spot there for a minute and while I was trying to pull myself up, I asked God to allow me to be a blessing to someone. Then I realized that there are many ways and forms of encouraging others with what I have or am waking through and I remembered this blog and my purpose for it.
So once again, I want to put things out there, mostly good, in the hopes that people who have gone through what I have, can realize, see, believe, that good can come out of it all.
One major moment happened a few weeks ago that at the time seemed small that I would like to share. I have shared with you before that I was abused sexually as a child. When one goes through something like that you really only have two choices , in my opinion, you can let it make you or break you. For the longest time, I unfortunately was letting it break me.
As of now, with my financial circumstances am required to hold two jobs. I have a full time design job and a part time retail job. I had stopped into my part time job one day and the shift supervisor asked me to come in and work for a few hours because she was having a problem with a co-worker. During the conversation she confided in me that she suffers from anxiety and didn’t want to be on medication to coup with it. I told her that I understood because I as well suffered from anxiety and also chose not to take medication.
She asked me what I did so I wouldn’t have to take medication. I simply told her “I gave it to God.” She looks at me for a second and then she once again confided in me more of her story. She told me that she as well had been sexually abuse as a child. Oh, how my heart hurt for her. I continued to listen to more of her story as she told me what she had been through and what she was going through now. After I listened for a while she once again asked, “how do you get over it, how do you deal with it, how do you move past it?” I repeated myself, “I gave it to God and I continually give it to God.” And then without even giving it a second thought I shared with her some of my story and how I had been abused.
I was proud of myself in a sense, because it was the first time that I had told my story to a complete and total stranger that I have been abused. I was proud of myself because while I was telling this stranger what happened to me, and the shame and guilt that I carried around for so many years, I didn’t cry. Didn’t have any shame about it. I started to tell her a little bit about my journey with God and how meeting my pastor changed my life, but of course I didn’t know it at the time. I told her how I was so turned off by religion and religious leaders and I really had no interest in God. And then I told her more about my journey and the change within me when I started go to church and listen and actively try to change myself on the inside. I made it clear to her that there is still work within me to be done but that I had made so many positive changes over the past few years because I was able to get to know God and who He really is and in a way I never knew was possible.
I told her how I was always depressed and anxious and withdrawn from life and people. Just going through the motions of living, stuck in a rut, not really living. And how I was a totally different person today than I was a few years ago. And that if she could put her trust in God even a little bit that in time she wouldn’t have to carry that weight that she continues to now.
When I finish speaking she had this look on her face for moment, this look of relief. That brief moment of relief on her face somehow helped me heal inside a little.
I have a voice, God has given me a voice, at times I resist using that voice, but I shouldn’t. See, I’m naturally very quiet, don’t speak up, speak unnecessarily and that’s OK. But, when I choose not to use the voice that God has given me, that’s unfortunate, for me and others. The weeks following it seemed like I was being attacked by Satan and I allowed him too quiet that voice God gave me.
I don’t know what God has planned for me and on some level I find that exciting. It’s hard to let go of control as an adult when you never had safety as a child. So once again, I come to a crossroads in my life, and ask myself, “is it going to break me or make me?”